It is winter, the unforgiving blanket of forever fog slowly grows towards the only light that is not fully covered behind the fog leaving only a dark dread. The ever so slight wind brushes through the whispering trees, as the chilled air dances past with a cold style, the unkempt leaves strike the unknowing shrubs with hateful intent as they soar past and the coldness grabs all of the minimal life throughout the darkness. The light gets choked by the blanket of wicked webs weaving its way throughout the land. The fog was tangled throughout the darkness that once was called a forest.
Look up, the uneasy moon glares through the thick stubborn fog as if to point out the unjust world that is called Earth. Surrounding the only light creeping through the pack of trees sway back and forth taunting him. A branch suspiciously cracks leaving a residual sound echoing throughout the dark night. The scuttling and the unsettling movements distract even the most concentrated. Gnarled branches stretch out grazing his body as he stumbles around. The brackish branches seem to pull the light closer unknown unease. A twig snaps somewhere deep in the forboding forest giving an untrustworthy tinge to the ever fearful night.
It is dark, the ominous trees are faintly lit by the now partly shrouded moon. The thick layer of conniving fog has locked away the hopeful light leaving a distasteful light. The perplexing pines, the awkward acorns, the slanted shrubs and the watching weeds all seem to inquire him. This leaves a bitter state letting a worried feeling creep throughout the dark. A singular spider creeping along the garbled ground as it retreated further into the black of the night. All was quiet.
Listen, as the girl screeches in the distance pulling the attention of the terror-filled forest. The trees unanimously all waver in an offbeat fashion. The wallowing wind sends inconsistent unorthodox tremors throughout the grotesque grass huddling together, the odd oak peering in, the awkward air whipping around and the lofty leaves easily swayed by the slightest movement. The troubling trees creak the odd owl hoots, the agitated air screams, and the conniving creeper aches.
And then you see it two rich blood-filled eyes piercing through all of the unmistakable trees. The glaring intent it’s obvious what want. You stay silent waiting for the fear of being compromised to be over. The hovering eyes shift and sway as they slowly get bigger disappearing for few seconds then reappearing. Sweat starts to drip down your fear-induced worried face. The feeling of an unknown presence creeps up a behind you. You look around no one to be seen the dark existence of night tower of you leaving with a worrying sense. You hear a bush rustle near you slowly returning to the still dead state it once was. Suddenly circular lights beam down at you from all around you identifying you to the world. Then you hear the repetition of the dreaded words that had felt haunting you since you started “We found you” they cackled at the top of their lungs. A smile starts to creep over your face when you realize you WON!
Hi Charlie,
Well done on making a start with this piece.
Some things to think about at this early stage are:
Be mindful of your technical errors. You need to ensure you have capital letters at the beginning of each sentence and that your grammar makes sense inside the sentence.
Mrs. P
Hi Charlie,
You have a lot of work to do in these final periods of this assessment.
During this time, I encourage you to:
Look to avoid repeating descriptive vocabulary within the same sentence or within a couple of sentences of each other. It makes your writing seem laboured and a little clumsy. Think of the mood you are going for and select another word that supports the development of this.
Read your work for technical accuracy (spelling, punctuation and grammar). Look carefully at your use of tense. You need to maintain the same tense throughout your work. Also, look carefully at your sentences. You have errors in your structure that causes the sentence to be incorrect and nonsensical.
My advice from above about avoiding a narrative still applies. You slip into this mode during your second and third paragraphs. Remember, this is a description until the final paragraph.
Mrs. P